Chapter 3

Author Notes

Wow…what can I say, I am over whelmed by the response Lovestrong had received…..Thank you!

Once again, Jillapet and Wish for eternal happiness…BIG kisses girls, I love you.

I know I said I would post every weekend, but RL is getting in my way, so let’s just say once a week in general. Remember we have a home on Facebook, come on over and see us.

Finally Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all Twilight related stuff...

Lovestrong

Chapter 3.  I learned to live half a life

When light creeps back and I can once again see, I instantly wish for the darkness to return. My trembling arms wrap around my body, clutching my stomach. My chest is tight, and I feel a lump grow in my throat- you know the one, it appears when you’re about to fall completely apart. Everything sounds like white noise, my ears are ringing, my breathing laboured; so much for just breathing; huh Kate? All the air leaves my lungs. I know that I must face my demons head on, but this is one very Cullen-shaped demon.

Fuckfuckfuck.

My mind just can’t comprehend why Charlie has done this to me; my own damn dad! How the hell can he allow a Cullen anywhere near me? I just can’t… I can’t think.

Alice Freakin’ Cullen is standing two feet away from me- twenty-four inches, no more, no less. It’s been five years, five whole years since I have seen any of them. If she is here now, then how close is he; is he outside?

Running on instinct, I rush to the window, checking for any sign of him…could he be in the car, waiting; was this the plan? Get Bella back in Forks, and then destroy her again? My mind whirled, but the world felt like it was standing still. I sank back against the wall, trying to slow my racing heartbeat.

Just breathe, just breathe, just fucking breathe…

I can hear Charlie frantically questioning Alice…

“You could have waited, given me a bit of time to get her used to the idea!”

”I couldn’t, Charlie, I HAD to see her before anyone else did,” Alice replied in the same frantic tone.

 Hearing her voice confirms my fears- this is not a hallucination, she is really here. I am guessing from that last sentence, that he is around here somewhere, too.

I let myself think his name; Edward.

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I really don’t understand why this is happening; Charlie knew that she was coming for me-he brought me back here knowing she would come. I can feel the tears coming, and there’s no stopping them. The only emotion that breaks through the numbness that I feel is betrayal… that’s what I feel; heartbroken.

As Charlie and Alice continue their whispered argument, I drop to my knees and all the secret tears from the last five years finding their way out, silently at first, then gasping sobs as I hysterically think to myself-how ironic, it begins where it all ended… or should that be… its ending where it all began?

Finally, I feel Charlie trying to help get me to my feet, but I don’t want his help. Betrayal cuts me to the bone.

 “NO, don’t touch me!” I scream, shocking myself by how desperate and ragged my voice sounds. “You did this, just, no, please, leave me alone…”

I looked up at him and his eyes are full of sorrow, full of regret.

He starts to say “Bella, I…” but I interrupt his plea.

“No, Charlie, don’t...why? Why didn’t you tell me she’d be here, why did you let her come here?” I am screaming at him by the end.

 “She was supposed to wait, Bella, wait till I had spoken to you…” Charlie’s reply trails off.

Alice just can’t keep quiet any longer, picking up where my dad left off.

“You would have run, Bella.”

Fucking right I would have! I think to myself, as I look at Alice who looks what can only be described as anxious. She looks the same; petite, fashionable, always optimistic. This just enrages me for some reason.

 “Bella please, I need to speak to you, you have to know that…”

“YOU!”  I start moving towards her, not sure what I am going to do. But it isn’t going to be pretty, of that I am sure.

Charlie obviously sees the murderous look on my face, and grabs my arm, trying to pull me back. I stop and glare at him. Abashed, and maybe a bit scared, you should be CHARLIE, he raises both hands in the air and backs away, “That’s it Charlie, move your hand or risk pulling back a bloody stump!” are my only thoughts. He looks like he finally realizes what he is done, and I almost feel a bit guilty at the defeated look in his eyes.

 “OK, kiddo, I will go, give you two some space.” He dejectedly walked away to the living room.

Yeah bye Charlie…thanks again for throwing me under this fucking bus...

So that leaves just me and Alice Cullen, former best friends, face to face. Breathe, Bella. I am looking at one of the closest persons to him. I see him in her face, in her nervous smile.

She smells like him.

When I close my eyes, I might as well be standing in front of him. I can’t help it, I go back five years; I see and hear him say those words once again…“I don't love you anymore, Bella”.

It’s the same town, the same house, just a different Cullen.  It hurts just as bad now, as it did all those years ago.

A loud sob shakes my body; it ripples through me, it hits me all at once. I am sure even Alice heard my heart breaking, again.

“Bella please, I know you’re hurting, and I’m so, so sorry…”

 I cut her off, but my voice is just a whisper. “How could you know, Alice, you haven’t been where I have, you weren’t there. Alice, the Bella you remember…she, she’s gone, and she’s been gone for so fucking long…”

My voice trembles. I can’t give anymore, I am drained and I’ve only been back here for ten minutes. Sitting down on the sofa, I try to catch my breath, organize my thoughts, while I notice Alice has sat down as far away from me as she can, perhaps scared that I will go after her again.

Just tell her. Tell her how badly he broke you, and then she will get the hell out of my life once and for all…

“Alice I can’t make you understand; the last five years have been the darkest time of my life.” Once again my chest constricts, making it hard to talk in more than a whispered croak.

“When I left Forks, I drove for what felt like days, just drove. I didn’t eat, sleep. When my body wouldn’t take it anymore, I pulled into a cheap Seattle hotel and just sat there for weeks. For weeks, Alice, I just cried, have you ever felt empty, like you had no purpose, like you just wanted to die? I felt like my entire life was a lie…”

“You wouldn’t understand what it feels like to be loved one minute, and not the next.”

“I blamed myself, you know… for so long I questioned every tiny thing I did or didn’t do, why was I not good enough, what could I have changed… self-loathing’s a bitch; Alice, do you know that?”

I saw Alice’s reaction out of the corner of my eye, heard her softly crying, but in the back of my mind, I can hear Kate;

Breath Bella, just breathe.

I could have ended it there, kicked her ass out of my house, but I wanted to show her just how badly her brother’s actions, her inaction, had affected me; taking a deep breath I rolled up my sleeves.

”Alice,” I harshly whispered to get her attention… a hushed gasped was all I heard as Alice looked at the scarred mess that was my forearms.

“Why?” Alice sobbed, “Why would you do that, Bella, I know it was wrong what he did, but why hurt yourself, oh God…” Now it was her turn to fall to her knees as her sobs became keening wails. With no outward emotion, no pity, I continued.

“It was a release, every day the pain would get worse; it would literally bring me to my knees. I cried for hours, for days, I had no more tears, but the pain was still there. I didn’t know what to do. I was so in need, of something just to make the damn pain stop, my chest felt like it was going to implode. Have you felt pain so strong, you can no longer think, you claw at your own skin, with your bare hand, ‘til your skin and fingers are bloody, well I have!“

Breathe Bella.

“Then one day I cut myself, and the pain was so different from what I was feeling, and I felt like I was finally in back in control. It was that quick fix, just what I needed, but the pain never went away completely, never got any better so I had to… to… I would actually go days without cutting, I would be so proud of myself, but something would act like a trigger, I would see a couple in the street, or…”

 At this, I took a visible breath and continued. Breathe, Bella.

“Seeing someone who looked like him, Edward, God, a tall man, or reddish hair, or how he smelled… God, Alice, how it hurt, it still hurts, it seemed everything was going wrong, life was getting too much, too rough to handle…”

The tears that I have been trying so hard to hold in spill over. Thinking back to those dark days is not something I do very easily or often; protectively, my arms surround my knees, which are now pulled tight against my chest. Closing my eyes, I try and take back some of the control I just lost, but Alice has questions, as I knew she would.

“How long, did you do… um, feel like that?” Alice choked out.

“Around eight months, I guess, but then I moved on from the motel, the money ran out. My truck hadn’t run for months… I was lost. I couldn’t go home, so I would walk the streets all day, every night, too… I would just walk. It was all I could do. One day I stumbled into a homeless shelter, I remember just thinking how they must have felt sorry for me, must have pitied me, and they were right. I was so ashamed. Anyway, long story short, I got help from them, they gave me a bed, regular meals, and support, but I never felt comfortable telling them about my problem; it wasn’t their issue, it was mine.”

“After a few months staying at the shelter, with the help of the staff, I enrolled in college with grants they helped me find, and that’s where I met my friend Kate. She saved me, Alice; she just offered me a room, no questions asked, so I moved in with her. I had nothing else to lose. I found living with someone was hard, I needed to keep covering up and hiding my arms, but Kate started to notice, she was pretty pissed. I was washing my hands and pulled my sleeve up just that bit too far. At first she freaked the fuck out, then we sat and talked for hours, I told her my story from start to finish. I knew I needed help- it had gotten bad, I couldn’t control myself anymore. I was losing my grip on reality, on my life… I didn’t know how to take back control without cutting deeper, without…….death”

I barely registered Alice’s strangled gasp… but I did see her slip to the floor in front of me. She seemed to want to grasp my hands; but sensing correctly, that it was probably best not to, she instead wrapped them around her own knees. In a voice barely above a whisper, I continued.

“Kate got me the help I needed…like I said, she saved my life. I saw a counsellor every other day for two and a half years, but to tell you the truth it never goes away; it’s always in the back of my mind. I have a bad day, and it’s like a whisper in the distance, ‘go on Bella take back control.’  I have to try not to put myself in a position where I feel as vulnerable as I did back then.”

Fucking breathe, Bella…

I thought how isolated I felt right now, even with Alice sitting there in front of me, wringing her hands and crying silently.

“Don’t stress Alice; I’m not gonna lose my shit with you sitting here,” I thought. Anyway, Kate would kick my ass!” I smile at that thought, because it was true.

The grim smile on my face must have panicked Alice- the look on her face makes me want to giggle, almost. “Don’t worry, Ali, I haven’t actually cut myself for nearly three years now. I never want to go back there again, ever,” I said, answering Alice unspoken question.

As she knelt, hunched over, so tiny in front of me, she seemed so…devastated. So… NOT Alice. Alice could survive the apocalypse, so why was she so solemn and worried now? I straightened my back, bracing myself for the answers to my next questions.

“Alice, you are here for a reason… what the hell is it? And why…how, did you convince Charlie to bring me back to this God forsaken place?”

Alice’s big-eyed stare was pitiful as she blinked back her tears; she said something, so softly it probably wasn't meant for me.

“My God, Bella, you’re as broken as he is...”

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