Authors note
As normal I need to show my love for Jill and Charlotte who as always are there when I need a swift kick up the ass.
I have been advised by my wing woman to add more to my disclaimer... So here goes
Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!
That's all from me... Enjoy!
Lovestrong
Chapter 6. I'd give up forever to touch you
EPOV
I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest this morning. It didn't worry me though… the drool and cat food breath reassured me that this was just another morning.
You see, my mornings tend to mimic each other; apparently, routine is good for me. Normally, me and my main man will have a few minutes of alone time, and I will reassure him that he will have HIS breakfast as soon as I got mine. I get up, take a piss, wash my face and hands, AND the puddle of drool on my chest. Also brush my teeth to combat my morning breath….hmm; I wonder if you can brush a cat's teeth? Throwing on a t-shirt and sweats over my boxer briefs, I stroll out into the main room of my studio apartment, my furry friend both leading and herding me to where his food dish is.
As usual, Alice is there to join me for breakfast-she comes over every morning at 9 AM, except for Sundays and holidays-but today seems different. As I make my way into the kitchen, Alice looks preoccupied, like she has somewhere more important to be. She's done this for the last year that I have lived alone, and she has always made sure that I knew that there was no other place she would rather be; even with her own husband.
"Morning, Ali."
"Oh! Yeah, good morning Edward," she answers with a wave of her hand.
"Is everything okay?"
Wow, this is so odd. She is usually all hugs in the morning-for both me, and the Little Prince. Alice doesn't reply; she is staring at her phone, like she is willing it to ring…something is wrong, I can feel it.
"Alice…Alice!" I shout, snapping her out of her day-dream.
"Sorry Ed, I am just…you know what? It doesn't matter. How was your night? Would you like some coffee?" And the normal resumes…
"MALLOW! Come see Auntie Alice, my sweet boy!" Knowing she carries his favourite catnip treats, Mal abandons his efforts to trip me and runs to my sister. The little traitor…
Nodding my head, I sit at the kitchen table, waiting for her to carry on her everyday conversation; what are plans for the day? Have you taken your medication? And every day my answers remain the same...Not much-hang out with Mal and work, and yes, Mom! But the familiar never comes this strange morning…
Now I know something is bothering her; she hasn't asked me; she never fails to ask if I have taken my meds. She knows me, and my routine, too well; if she doesn't remind me, I have a tendency to forget. My mind drifts as I get lost, or my mood can slip; I dwell.
"Alice, are you okay? You don't seem like yourself today."
"I am fine I promise…just waiting for… Edward, I am just wore out, it's nothing for you to worry about, promise."
I am watching her as closely as she, and the rest of my family, have been watching me for the last three years, whether I was aware or not. She barely holding it together; she's fidgeting, tapping her nails on my butcher-block table; Welcome to my world, Alice. It's a strange, fucked-up place. Maybe she had a fight with Jasper; she can be a little overbearing at times. Remembering back to when I first came home from the rehab hospital, she practically walked me through life; fed me, made sure I got a shower, force-feeding me my meds… oh yeah, speaking of pills.
"Alice, pass me them, will you?" I ask, pointing to my cocktail of medications, lined up like a small army against the wall on the shelf behind her.
"What…sorry Edward, what did you say?"
Frustrated with the oddness of my morning, I am ready to run back to bed. "Never mind Al, I will do it." Getting up, I walk over to the sink, but just as I am about to grab a glass of water, my crazy cat, who I had forgotten in all the weirdness, jumps up on the work top and startles the hell outta me. Still purring, he starts with his weird yodeling 'meow', bumping my arm so hard the water splashes on the floor. "Mallow, quit it, will you get your fix after I have mine…wait. You little shit!"
Marshmallow, aka Mallow, aka Mal, aka little shit, was my therapist Garrett's idea. He was anxious for me not to be on my own after I was discharged from rehab where I had spent over a year receiving physical, mental, and drug therapy. There were things that I had to completely re-learn, and some bad habits that I had to learn to live without. The most important thing that happened in my time there, other than developing an obsession with art; which I love… was that I met Garrett, who realised that I was, and had been, suffering from severe clinical depression and a variety of anxiety disorders. Years of therapy and a mixture of different drugs, along with lots of physical and occupational therapy, had resulted in the new, and very bewildered, me; Garrett often said, I was a work in progress…
"At least if you had a pet, you could talk to it, since you refuse to tell me when you are upset… it would be something good to focus on." I think those were his words. Well, who am I to argue! Mallow arrived via Alice, and the local Humane Society, the day after I moved into the apartment that Mom and Alley had decorated. This tiny kitten was all white fur, giant golden ears, and big almond-shaped blue eyes, with a meow twice his size. Now a year later, I have to admit I am completely in love with the white fur ball, but I can't hack his early morning attitude; if he doesn't get fed on time, he is a demon. Like father, like son… Popping my pills, I reach into the cabinet to grab Mal some food, when I realize what I forgotten yesterday…kitty kibble.
Fuck, now he is giving me the evil eye, like he knows the bag is empty. This is going to take some serious grovelling. "Sorry, buddy, I gotta go to the store; give me half an hour, and I promise, I will make it up to you." He begins meowing, acting like he hasn't been fed in a week. Looking at me with huge eyes, I can just tell what he is trying to say… I will get you for this, fucker… remember that hairball in your favourite cap?
Alice looks up at me, amused, as always, by our human-feline conversations. "I'll go for you, Edward." She takes her job as guardian very seriously. Alice still makes sure that I eat healthy, that my apartment is clean and tidy, my bills are paid, and more recently, helped me get my driver's license back. After waking from a six week coma three years ago, I had suffered from a series of seizures; now seizure free, I was finally allowed to come off the meds, which meant that I could finally, once again, drive. It gave me a rare sense of excitement.
"No, don't worry Ali, the fresh air will do me good…you stay here, get some breakfast, reassure Mal that he won't die cause his food bowl is empty. I'm just gonna jump in the shower real quick," I tell her as I head down the hall into my bedroom. I have to give it to my mother-this place is my solace. I am surrounded by things that make me relax; things that make me happy again, another one of Garrett's ideas. Stashed in the corner are my art supplies: I love to paint, sketch, make stained glass or mosaic pieces-anything to keep my hands and mind busy. One corner of my bedroom is covered in photos; Mallow as a kitten, of my family: Esme and Carlisle; my ever-forgiving parents, my sister and Jasper, looking so much in love, and my best friend Emmett, and his girlfriend Rose; such a change from my 'friends' from Before. Other than Garrett, these are the only six people I can trust with my life, apart from her.
Her picture is also there. Maybe I am delusional, maybe it is unhealthy, or maybe its wishful thinking keeping it here, but regardless; she is still a part of me. I find myself now, like most days, fixated by her picture; she still affects me and the tightening in my sweatpants only adds as evidence of that fact. I can't help it; ever since I came off some of the harder meds, and especially the seizure meds, my, umm…let's say 'urges' have returned. I have spoken to Garrett about my newly discovered problem. He assures me it's normal for a guy my age to have these constant 'feelings', but he not too sure it's healthy for me to be imagining my ex-girlfriend while I jack off.
Stepping into the shower, I close my eyes as the hot water cascades down my back. I squirt some shampoo in my hand and quickly wash my hair and body, my mind begins to drift. I can still see her eyes staring back at me; chocolate brown against milky white skin; the skin just below her ears, where she was most sensitive. I always imagine pulling her close and sucking on that patch of skin, as I feel her, and the way her hands move slowly down my torso. I can't help the shudder that rocks my body as I grab my rock hard erection and start to pump; I can see her as clear as day, it's her hand wrapped around my cock, it's her voice that's moaning out as I reach down inside her lace thong and sink my finger inside her, brushing my knuckles gently against her most sensitive parts. She drops to her knees in front of me; she's licking her lips as I feel myself start to come undone, climbing to the peak of my orgasm. Her warm lips capture the tip of me, and I can feel her tongue swirl around my head as my hips thrust at nothing…the warm steams of cum hit the shower wall and my head drops back.
As always, the warm water splashing my face brings me back to the reality and the fact that it is just me in the shower, all on my own. With my head against the shower door, I switch the water off, getting out I wrap a towel around myself and head to my closet. I can hear Alice phone ring as I start getting dressed, going for the usual jeans and a black t-shirt. Get your act together Edward, you have a cat to feed! I think to myself as I pick up a Mariners cap, one of many from my vast collection; they are my disguise on days when I don't want people to stare at the monster they think I am. I run my hands through my short, wild hair before giving up, and putting the cap on, bill forward. I briefly stop to run my fingers over the smooth, varnished wood of the medium-sized black and red box on my dresser, then grab my watch and phone awaiting me in the same place it does, every morning. Routine…I am your bitch.
Heading out of my room I walk back toward the living area, and I can hear Alice on the phone, I am guessing to Jasper, probably sorting out whatever it is that's been eating away at her all morning; that preoccupied she doesn't even notice I am back in the room. On my way to get my keys so I can go the store, I am stopped in my tracks…I turn around and face Alice as I hear her say, "What…whatever you think, Charlie." Okay, so she is not talking to Jasper, and the only Charlie we know is Charlie Swan. Alice's hands become more animated, as she turns to face me, only now realising I am here in the room with her. Looking at me all slack-jawed; she answers the caller's last question. "No…not yet, right, I will let you go." Pressing a button, she takes a breath preparing her for the worst.
"So Alice, do you wanna tell me why you were just talking to Charlie Swan?"
"No…not really," Alice replies, shaking her head as if she really wants me to drop it… or for the floor to swallow her up.
She knows I won't. Charlie Swan is a bit of a sore subject with me. Yes the man saved my life, but he also tied the knot in the rope that hung me. I know… I know; I am the only one responsible for my actions... What the fuck-ever. "Al…Please, after all this time, why have you been on the phone to the Chief?"
"Bella," was Alice's whispered reply.
As always, the sound of her name makes my heart skip several beats. "What about her?"
"She's back, Edward…Bella is in Forks."
Back? Okay, she did just say that, right? How long have I been waiting to be back in the same town as Bella, and now she is here, and I AM NOT ready for this What the fuck do I do? I always thought I would get some warning, I always thought it would be me going to her, not her coming back to Forks. I thought I would have it all rehearsed.
"Edward, I saw her yesterday, and… she's changed, I mean she looks pretty much the same as she always did, but she's different." Alice was clearly nervous about telling me this.
"How do you know she is here, Ali?"
"I have known for a week or so that she would be back soon, umm… I asked Charlie for help."
I can feel my blood pressure rise. "WHAT! You have what? Why the HELL would you do that, Mary Alice Cullen!"
"I…I had to help, you are stuck in limbo, without Bella; just surviving. There is so much more that you need, you need to be happy. I thought if you spoke to Bella, if you guys hashed out the past, she could help you move on, with or without her, but she's just as bad as you. I didn't expect the reaction I got, okay so I knew she would be pissed, even upset, but she kicked me out, Edward."
"That's my girl!" Wow, where did that thought come from? All I knew was that I wanted to go there and beg her to speak to me, to forgive me, but if Alice got that bad of a reaction, then what would I get? I had betrayed her; hurt her because of stupid… "Wait, how much did you tell her?"
I didn't need her answer: Alice's face said it all, but she answered anyway.
"She knows it all, Edward…the drugs, the overdose, even what Charlie's part in all of it was-she knows you were in rehab for everything. She is pissed as hell, hurt, angry, Charlie thinks she's probably packing as we speak. He said her friend had arrived early this morning, so he gave them some space; I don't know who she's angriest with, but I don't think he expects her to still be there when he goes home later."
I gasp in a breath, trying to slow my racing heart. Shit, that's all I need is to have a panic attack and end up back in the hospital… "How is she, Alice?"
"I won't lie to you Edward; she isn't in a good place. Like I said, she has changed; she's been though a lot. Leaving Forks, she lost everything, you know?"
Yeah…I know…I did too…I remember it so vividly. It visits me in nightmares, often.
Five years ago.
I saw her. After leaving her house, I numbly drove around-it could have been hours or minutes. On autopilot, I returned home, grateful my parents and sister were gone for the day. I was getting twitchy, I hadn't scored in hours, and then Tanya had arrived and was set on 'helping' me take my mind off everything. As she began crushing and mixing the pills and powders, by habit, I walked to the bay window at the front of my room, only to see Bella's car idling at the end of my drive way. Like I had binoculars, I could see her looking up at the house. I didn't think she could see me, but she obviously did…
Fuck! All at once, she was staring right though me. I could see the tears on her face, and I wanted to go to her, but the Chief's words were permanently engraved on my brain: "I will drop all charges if you leave her alone, get out of her life." I had to leave her, no one could find out about my fuck up, especially her… so I made myself turn away from the window… from Bella, from my heart, to see Tanya just finishing her mix: coke with some form of pain killer-she said it would make me numb. That was good, I already felt numb, but I wanted more, I wanted to kill the pain forever, so I took the rolled up $100 bill from the mirror and inhaled the white powder.
Tilting my head back, I had an instant rush. I couldn't feel my body, couldn't think if I had to. Smiling, I dropped to the floor; finally, happily numb...all that mattered was that I felt nothing.
"I have to see her…she's at Charlie's, right?" I asked Alice.
"Yes, but Edward, you can't just go over there, she doesn't want to see you right now, and like Charlie said, she's more than likely on her way out of town as we speak!" God love my sister, bless her heart; even after all I had put my family through, even though she was the little sister, she was always assuming the role of my protector.
"Alice, do you know how long I have waited to be near her? You can't expect me not to try, I need to tell her how sorry I am and that I love her…" Yeah, great plan, dumbass…and you'll both live happily ever after. My inner voice was developing a bigger attitude than my cat.
"Edward… You need to leave her be for now, let her make her own mind up. She must be overwhelmed…she knows what happened now, so let her make her own decisions. If she wants to speak to you she will, you just have to give her some time."
I know Alice is right. I made this mess, my fucked up choices affected us all, but I don't know if I can just wait for her to come to me; she is only about five minutes away and I am going let her leave fucking town again! Once she leaves, how will I know she will come back, what if, after Alice telling her, all of this has scared her…who am I kidding, it scares me. I pushed her way five years ago… it's my entire fault. I can't blame her if she doesn't want to see me again, how could she ever trust me?
Mal, who crawled into my lap earlier, sensing my stress, now interrupts my pity party with a piteous "MAOOOOOW!"
"Edward, I am going to go the store, get Mallow his food, before he starts chewing on your arm."
I really need that air now. "No…I am okay, I could do with some space," I tell Alice. I pass her my cat and grab my keys and head, once again, towards the door.
Sitting behind the wheel of my 2001 Silverado, I debate whether to drive by the Swan house… just to see if she is still there. Can I do it to myself? What if she's there, can I just drive by…I don't know? Starting my truck I head to the head is all over the place, I know I need to speak to Garrett later-he always helps straight out my thoughts. Maybe I can go for a run, or pull out my acrylics…
Pulling my head out, I realize where I am. I have to go past the end of Charlie's street to get to the store. I unconsciously slow down; in the drive way are parked two unfamiliar cars-a red Volvo and an old battered hunk of junk on wheels that may have started its life as a Mustang…I wonder if one is Bella's? I am trying so hard not to turn the truck back around and just go see her, but like Alice said, it needs to be on her terms: I can't force her hand again.
I hate going to the store; everyone has an opinion about me, and half of them can't keep their damn mouths shut. As I get out of the truck, my normal plan of action kicks in-hurry up, get what I need, then get out-if I don't pay attention to people, they will forget I am here…One can hope, right?
I only need Meow Mix and catnip treats… and some special food as a treat for Mallow, as I have neglected him this morning. And maybe he needs a new catnip mouse...where the hell does that cat hide all of his toys?
Being in here always makes me think, what if? There are families here doing their weekly shop, an elderly couple deciding what they want for dinner tonight… I could be well on my way to all of that, if I would have just put the people I care about first instead of my addiction. If only I had been honest and asked for help, I could be here shopping for baby food instead of cat food. It's easy to say that now, but back then drugs were a part of me, the need for them coursed through my body, right alongside my blood supply.
I am standing there, deciding what flavor of cat food to get Mal… Oh what my life has come to… I think to myself. My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of two girls bickering over what ice cream to choose in the next aisle. From behind me I hear a gasp; my head shoots up, and I find myself blindly grabbing at a can of cat food. I know that voice; I turn around and come face to face with the girl who haunts my dreams every night. I think my heart, which earlier beat out of my chest at the thought of seeing her, has now stopped.
She does look different, her face is slimmer than I remember, her posture stiffer, but still she's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She looks even more in shock than me; the basket she was holding has now crashed to the floor, the noise attracting everyone's attention, and soon she is flanked on either side by two girls. Both of them are looking at me, and as their eyes turn angry, I would guess they have figured out who I am.
She is looking at me, hard, like she's deciding which bits of me are still Edward and which bits are new. I take the opportunity to take in the sight in front of me, like it's the last time I will ever see her; I drink her in from head to toe. Her hair is still long, tied back off of her face and she is wearing an oversized blue hoodie, which seems like it's there to hide her from the world. Grey jeans that are showing off her amazing legs, and she still wears Converse; I smile, looking down at my own old favourite pair of Chucks … and why does she keep tugging at the arms on her hoodie like that? She looks so vulnerable.
"Bella…" Her name passes through my lips before I have even had time to think about what I am saying. I take a step towards her… and she takes a step back.
Alice was right. This is not good.
It's a split second decision, do I let her go, or do I fight? It doesn't take two seconds…Decision made, I fight. Taking another step towards her, I again whisper her name, reaching my free hand out to her, but this time she reacts more harshly. The two girls on either side of her are holding on to her for dear life.
She violently shakes her head at me, raising her hands, palms towards me as if to say stop, as if to ward off something bad. And then I heard her, for the first time in five years.
"Edward…NO!" she half-yells… "Stop…stay away," she put more aggression behind her final words.
The rest happens in slow motion, as I am stuck to the spot, as if my body can't remember what to do. The bag and can of cat food drop from my numb fingers, the can rolling to a stop near her feet. I can hear and see everything extra clearly, but can't move an inch. I am frozen, my hand extended in front of me.
Bella always has surprised me. As angry as Alice said she was, I expect her to scream and shout at me. Instead, she does the complete opposite… she simply turns and walks away.
Don't worry Bella…the irony isn't lost on me, is all I can think as I watch her retreating form, walking out of the store, and probably out of Forks for good.
Thank You!
Now you know what to do…..REVIEW.
Oh hell! You never thought I would leave Edward hang like that, did you? Come back next week…He has a hell lot more to say!
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