Chapter 4

Authors Notes:

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Chapter 4. – Blinded by the flashing lights.

 "What was that, Alice?" I ask, needing her to say it again.

Clearing her throat, she repeats herself more clearly in a louder voice, and it's what I just what I thought she'd said.

"You're as broken as him."

"No Alice, I am this broken because of him," I angrily refuted.

What a way to get me to listen; once again, my morbid curiosity gets the better of me. I needed to know what she was doing here. "Alice, let's just get this over with, I am wiped out, and I have already told you more than I probably should have... Please, why you are here and what has Charlie got to do with it?" My voice started to crack, showing my emotions and exhaustion.

Alice resumed her seat on the couch, sitting close enough to touch this time, but I noticed she still didn't try to touch me. "This was all my idea-please don't be too hard on Charlie."

I rolled my eyes-Charlie was still hiding in the other room, the chickenshit.

"I came to Charlie desperate for help; it was all my idea. Me and the others thought if Edward could face his past mistakes and regrets, he would finally be able to move on emotionally and physically. At first Charlie refused-he wouldn't be responsible for bringing you back to Forks, he knew what it would do to you. Charlie knew that what Edward did to you was the reason you left Forks. Bella, he wasn't easy to convince: he knew Edward's history, knew somewhat how much you were hurt. But I think once I told him about how stuck in the past Edward was, unable to move forward with his life, Charlie could see the same thing about you."

Wait; what did she say...Charlie knew all along? He knew that Edward had hurt me? "What the hell do you mean 'Charlie knew'?"

I was shocked; how did Charlie see all those things in me; I thought that I had hidden it so well, even my closest friend, the person I lived with, believed the lie.

As Alice continued I was trying to listen to her, but my mind kept drifting back to the times I had seen Charlie over the last few years I had never given anything away. Why didn't Charlie try to talk to me about it, if he could see it was just a mask, if he knew how much I hurt?

"He obviously knew what had happened to Edward, we live in a small town. You know what Forks is like, can't hide anything from anyone. Plus he was there for part of it."

My words come out fast, in a jumbled mess, "No, I mean…Charlie, he knew? And he never told me? Knew what? Alice?"

Alice looked like she had just put her tiny sizes 3 Prada's in it. "Oh, yeah, right, well…umm… I'm not sure, but I can say that I think he thought he was protecting you. Knowing the truth wouldn't have changed the outcome, Edward was already in so deep by then."

Charlie knew something important about me and Edward; we'd had a strictly 'don't ask don't tell' policy all these years, but he knew something that I didn't, something important, that I still didn't know.

In the background I could hear noise from upstairs that could only be Charlie. Unless Edward is up there getting ready to jump out and shout, Surprise! This is highly unlikely, I know, but if today is anything to go by, anything is fucking possible! "Don't worry, old man, me and you will be having words later," I think to myself, then turn my attention back to Alice.

We both sat there in silence for a few seconds, before Alice sighed, taking in a nervous breath. "I can only tell you so much, because I wasn't there, and he shut us all out; he was so alone. What did you really know about Edward, about his life, before you left?"

This made me angry again. Breathe Bella.

"We were together for over three years Alice, of course I knew him! I thought he was it for me… and for him to break my heart the way he did, without any reason at all, it destroyed me, heart and soul." I almost yelled this last part.

"He did have a reason to leave you, Bella; or at least at the time, he thought he did. Now he… now he knows differently; but then he thought that he was no good for you, Bella. There were some bad people who got under his skin; they knew what made him tick. Like I said, he was in way too deep. He was lead to believe that if he broke up with you, you would be able to move on, be with someone who deserved you, and most importantly, you would be safely out of his world. He had started to hang out with and listen to these other people, way before you left, and they got their claws in so deep. Do you remember Tanya?"

Tanya Denali, the fucking bitch, she had to have something to do with this, she had something to do with everyone; her brother Mike, he liked to think of himself as the local badass. They were always together, like they were joined at the hip, and into to all sorts of shit.

Now Alice was making me nervous, made me wonder if everything I ever knew wrong… was he lying all along? I closed my eyes; I was far too tired for this; talk about a train wreck... The feelings of dread, of rejection bubbled in the pit of my stomach. The one thing I didn't think that I could handle was for Alice to tell me was that he had cheated on me back then. The familiar feeling of terror swept back over me; I was losing control, my heart-felt like it was going burst out of my chest, and I couldn't breathe again.

Alice saw my panic, and finally grabbed my hand. "Bella, calm down. Please just calm down, please breathe!"

I have to get up, I feel trapped. "Alice…I can't…" The tears threatened to spill over again, anything to get this pain out, but nothing I do can stop the sheer feelings of panic and terror I have inside of me. My hands screw into tiny balls at my hips as I try to relieve some of the tension in my limbs, before finding their way to my face; I feel my finger nails painfully digging into my scalp. My brain once again goes dark; nothing is working. "Alice, it just means he really didn't love me, he didn't care and what did I… Oh GOD!"

I am in such a mess, in a trance that I don't notice Alice, who is now in front of me, trying to pull my arms away from my face. I can hear her telling me to breathe, to try and calm down, telling me that it's not what I think…

"But Alice, you said he was with Tanya Denali…"

I can feel Alice, she has hold of my face, with both hands either side… at this last sobbed outcry, her grasp on my face becomes firmer.

"NO! Bella, stop… please, it wasn't that…" She made me look her in the eyes, God, she has his eyes…

"Bella, listen closely to me…"

All the air is push out of Alice, as with a massive sigh, she delivers her final blow.

"Bella, Edward is a recovering drug addict."

---

I just stand there, staring at her, my hands now covering my mouth in shock.

"How… What… I don't... how can he be… I can't…What?" is my stunned response.

An uneasy silence makes the air in the room crackle as we both melt to the floor, leaning against the back of the sofa, her hands still grasping mine tightly. I can't wrap my head around what she just told me; Edward was using drugs? When we were together, how did I not know something like that?

Alice turns to me, she is pleading for me to stay, to hear her out.

"Please, Bella, just listen to me and I will answer anything you want after, I promise. I just, it is so hard to say this, let me get through, please."

Fresh tears pour down her face; I cannot doubt that this will be fucking hard. So I just nod my head, too exhausted to answer her out loud.

"Like I said before, I can't tell you everything, because I wasn't there, he didn't tell anyone what was happening, not even Emmett, and you know those two were inseparable. He shut us all out, he trusted no one, he was so paranoid… it was the drugs. Did you not notice how close he had become to the wrong crowd" I couldn't help but chuckle, when she did imaginary air quotes with her hands.

"When we were all in school, you know we all tried some stuff, alcohol, maybe some pot if someone had a joint, and it was nothing out of the ordinary, but Edward didn't stop there. At first it was just a bit of Coke or Ecstasy when he was at a party. He would leave the room with Mike or Tanya when you were dancing or distracted, Bella. Slowly, the Edward we knew slowly disappeared, without any of us noticing; I was too wrapped up in being in love with Jasper to realise he had changed, Emmett had his life and love, Rose was at the forefront of his thoughts and I guess now, looking back, you were just so invested in your relationship, so in love, with blinders on about how perfect Edward was, that you never saw the bad shit starting to creep in and take over his life."

Alice rummaged in her purse for a few moments, leaving me to my thoughts; was she right? Was I that blinded by my love for him, that I couldn't see the man I thought I knew so well was slipping away? Alice turned back, presenting me with a few fresh tissues.

"Like I said B... I can't tell you all the reasons why he decided to end things with you, he has never told us. I didn't know he did what he did, the way he…. but, but all I can say is that you have to talk to Charlie; he probably knows more than us." Don't worry, I plan on doing just that, I thought.

"Bella, Edward is now at a place in his life where he can take responsibility for his actions in the past, and try to make amends for all the regret that has festered inside him for all these years. He can tell you what drove him to start using, but mostly Edward needs to tell you why he made the decisions that he did. Edward has been clean for the last two years; well, really three, but he's been actively trying to get better for over two years, and he has spent a lot of time away from the family and friends. His counsellor thinks it's about time he finally faced his past, and about time he faced his biggest regrets"

She really expects me to see him; I get butterflies just thinking about it. She was right; we were both as fucked up as the other-but was I ready to face him? I already knew that the answer was HELL no.

Lost in my own thoughts, I made my plans. I had come here to see what Charlie wanted, and then I was going home; simple. Go home to where I had become the person I am now; I was stronger, I was NOT weak…I had changed.

I looked at Alice; again, she reminds me of him, why did I feel sorry for her? For him? He did this to me! So what if he had 'issues'….fuck so did I… Alice was right, we were both fucked up and it was his entire fault!

I could feel myself getting angrier, more frustrated by the minute. He had taken away my family, my friends, my innocence…he had made me bleed, literally and figuratively. And the devil was I going to let him do it again! Squaring my shoulders I felt my protective mask right itself; this was finished, I was done with all the pain, DONE with Edward Fucking Cullen. Emotions be dammed; she had to go, NOW!

"Alice, I think it's about time you left. Edward made his decision; it's not my problem why he did it. And really, it's not your business."

Alice looked shocked at the iciness of my voice. Like she actually thought I was going to let him explain.

"No, Bella please-he needs you, he did then and he does now…" The worry was clear in her voice.

"Sorry Alice, like I said, not my problem."

My voice was getting louder, anxious; I could hear Charlie moving around upstairs, I needed her out before I had to face him, Charlie knew all the details about why Edward left me, and need his side of the story. I needed answers.

Alice was still standing there, begging me with those damn eyes, waiting for me to give into the tears, change my mind like the old Bella would have. She would have given in to Alice`s mind games, but now, I was not the old Bella. Sorry Alice, your time is up.

"GET OUT, NOW!" I yelled, and I must have looked scary enough to make Alice jump off the sofa and rush over to the door.

"Please Bella, please listen…"

"Alice, what part of 'get the fuck out NOW' do you not understand?" I have had enough, I am about to flip out, and my hand moves as if to push her out, but something, or should I say someone stops me. I jerk around only come eye to eye with Charlie, with a firm hold on my hand he nods at Alice behind me. Feeling safe, she goes for the low blow.

"Bella, before I go, please just think about what I said… Edward needs to face his past, face all of his mistakes, his regrets, and his biggest regret was, well still is… leaving you." With that, she slipped through the door, shutting it softly.

---

I am left shocked, standing there dumbly looking at the door. I can't turn around, can't look at the man behind me. I know I am going to crumble again, all these years.

Charlie knew everything. He knew more than everyone-he knew about Edward.

Charlie broke first. "Bella, talk to me, you have to know that I had my reasons…you must see that? See why I was scared for you…"

I spun around so fast it made Charlie jump back. "Oh, do tell Dad, what were your reasons, why did help destroy my fucking life!" I sneered out, as I lifted the sleeves of my jumper, showing him my scars. His face grew pale, but he kept on.

"Bella let me explain; I didn't think you would react like you did, didn't realize how serious it was, your plans…I am so sorry. Edward was slowly going off the rails, even before you left. About a month before, he was taken to the hospital, Bella, I was the investigating officer–Edward was at a party that we were called out to shut down. I found him passed out in the bathroom, covered in vomit; he was in such a mess. We got him to the hospital and the doctor suspected a drug overdose, and to be honest so did I; all the evidence seemed to confirm the doctors suspicions. Once Edward was sober enough, I questioned him about what happened and was very laid back about the whole thing, said that it was just a mistake and not a big deal."

"That was when I mentioned you, off the record of course, but it had to be done… you are my daughter. He didn't care honey… he made me so damned mad; he was destroying his life, and was going to take you down with him. You had so much promise, the big college dream. I couldn't let him carry on like that, he was going to kill himself, and he could have killed you too, what would I have done then?"

Fuck, I'm about to lose my mind; all of this is just too much. "I can't deal with this," I say aloud, not to Charlie, but I just need to get it out there. It's all just a bit too much, and moving to sit down on the sofa, I can feel myself begin to rock back and forth.

Alice's words were echoing over and over again in my head; Charlie probably knows more than any of us.

I was still struggling with my own thoughts when Charlie continued. "I know now I should have just charge Edward with possession instead of bargaining with him, but I told him I would drop all charges if he left you alone and never approached you again. He was in deep trouble by this point, so he would have agreed to anything; but if I knew back then what I know now, things would have been different, I have carried so much guilt around for all these years, Bella. Did Alice tell you how it all finally came out?"

Shaking my head for what seemed like the hundredth time today, was all he got as my answer. I was too shocked and hurt to speak.

Breathe, Bella. But it wasn't working anymore…

"About two years later…It was me who found him, Bella. He spiralled out of control when you left, going missing for days at a time. His family knew by then, what was happening. They tried to get him help but he was lost. It got to the point where Edward would leave town for weeks at a time; his parents would file missing persons reports, frantic that he was dead. I hadn't seen him for months, and then one day we got a call from someone who lived on the outskirts of town, they said there was a strange car parked up the road from them. So I took one of the patrol units and we went out to take a look." At this point, tears began to run down Charlie's face. My dad never cries…

"God…Bella I will always remember how he looked; his face, he was skinny, dirty, he look so sick, so lifeless. I pulled him out of the car; he was so still, and he was barely breathing-he still had a needle in his arm. His skin was grey, his lips blue, and he was covered in sores and bruises. I called it in, but I was afraid they would be too late, and I had to try to help him; I had failed both of you so badly before, I had to try to help…now. So I pulled his shirt open to start CPR and… he had your name tattooed over his heart; Bella, it hit me then what I had done. I kept his heart beating, until the EMT's were able to take over, but I was so afraid that I was too late, angry that I could have saved everyone so much heartache…"

"I've wanted to tell you what I had done so many times, but every time I saw you, you'd put up this front; you were trying so hard to live, I couldn't tell you I screwed up, I was too worried that I would lose you, like Carlisle and Esme had almost lost their son. That's why when Alice came to me for my help, I saw it as my opportunity to fix the hurt that I had caused you both; I didn't really have a choice-you and Edward were both stuck living in this painful past, and this was finally my chance to fix things. I knew you were still unhappy; every time I saw you, I just knew. It's in your eyes Bella, they give you away every time …your soul is just empty without him."

I had to stop Charlie before what he said sent me over the edge. What he had told me… Edward had almost died? What had pushed him to destroy himself?

"Please stop, no more talking, Charlie. I am going to bed, today has been…" Rubbing my hands over my face, I knew that I had to get out of there.

"I need to sleep, I can't think about this for one more second or it will be over. Can we continue this tomorrow, before I go back to Bellevue?" Charlie looked dejected, like I was just going to leave and never come back.

Honestly, I didn't have a clue what I was going to do, but right now I needed space. Charlie smiled at me grimly, saying "You know where your old room is." I grabbed my bag from where I had left it by the door and made a break for it.

My feet felt like lead as I made my way upstairs; entering my old room was strange. It was full of the old me, the Bella that was truly happy. I had told Charlie I was leaving tomorrow, but I knew that I couldn't leave Forks until I knew everything. Curiosity killed the kitty, you dumbass.

I knew that I couldn't deal with this on my own. Retrieving my phone from my pocket, I called the only person who could help me; Kate. It didn't even ring twice before she answered.

"Hello, Bella? Are you okay? I have tried to call you for hours, don't ever do that again!"

She sounded frantic, and hearing her voice tore apart the last bit of resolve I had in me. Sobbing, I managed to get out,

"I am at Charlie's, Kate, I…I need you. Now…please Kate."

"Right, hold tight, Bella-I'm on my way. It will be okay, I promise."

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